I haven’t read my bible in two weeks. I have sat with it in my lap. I have opened the app a few times. I have avoided it as well. I love reading my bible. But these past few weeks I just haven’t had the heart.

Been there before? Yeah.

Have you ever been overwhelmed with so much sadness you couldn’t pray?

Have you ever been overwhelmed with so much life, you are just moving through the weeds as fast as you can so they don’t choke you?

Dear Jesus,

I do not have much peace today Lord. The unrest of the world, the uncertainty of the future, even the unrest between your saints is difficult to contend with Lord. I am flailing, wavering, weak and tired.

Assure me of your peace Lord.

Your presence is the very breath I breathe and you surround me, therefore, peace is mine for you said, "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid” John 14:27.

Many say that the world has changed after the events of this week. Maybe it has. Maybe it has always been this way but this time we simply couldn’t turn a blind eye or numb out to it.

Many were completely heartbroken after this weeks events. I understand that.

We should be heartbroken. No matter where you stand on any of this, if anything at all, we should all be heartbroken.

Growing up is a never ending process.

This past year we have all definitely had the chance to grow in different areas. Quarantine will do that to us. If this season of Covid-19 and quarantine has taught me anything, it’s that there are many places in the depths of my heart that aren’t as “pure” as I would hope them to be. There were and are certain entitlements, certain anxieties and certain faithlessness that I have had to contend with in these times.

Forgiveness is hard. Forgiveness doesn’t come easy sometimes. I know many times for me forgiveness has been repeating the words, “I forgive” daily and again and again until I start to mean it. Forgiveness isn’t natural, its supernatural.

The word at the very beginning of this verse is ‘Then.’ What provoked Peter to THEN go to Jesus? What had Jesus been teaching before?

You’ve been there before…sucker punched.

A deal falls through.

Something fails.

A hope comes crashing.

Broken, fear filled, painful, heart stricken.

The blue October sky turned bleak.

My son comes in to hurry me as I stand, struck hard. I wasn’t prepared for this blow. I didn’t realize a battle was ensuing. I forgot that battles were never ending. I kiss my husband, ask if he is good and he reassuringly says he’s not worried and that it will all work out. I trust Him. I can’t disappoint my kids, I have to keep going, so I grab the keys and go.

To the zoo. On a beautiful October day. Heartbroken.

I lay in my hammock and enjoy the breeze of the day. Laying on my hammock has become my happy place.

During quarantine we spent so much time in our yard and have made it an oasis during this time of drought. We have planted seeds and watched them grow, we have cleaned, we have created a place of rest.

I begin to pray and spend time with Jesus, fully intending to leave all the stress and worries and anxieties at His feet. There are so many things that make my heart break. The chaos of the world, the sickness, the economy, the conversations I am having with my children, and the simple struggle for a sweet summer.

In the midst of living busy, over scheduled lives, where home was simply the place you laid down your head before the next succession of days, we began to believe that living happens outside of the home.

Our best lives were lived on vacation and at backyard parties, yet Home is where you live. Home is where you really are alive, because home is your sanctuary.

Church on our couch during this pandemic has been wonderful in many ways. We are worshiping and engaging in service together as a family and we are usually on time! Every week after the sermon, we have sat and answered questions and have engaged in really great conversations.

One such conversation that has continually come up these past few weeks has been the importance of reading our bibles.

She came downstairs for the third time. It was about midnight. I was tired and frustrated and annoyed. Not a good place for mommy to be.

“What’s wrong now.”

“Mommy, I’m sorry, I just feel weird. I can’t stop thinking about stuff.”

“What are you thinking about?”

“Just dumb stuff. I’m just worried about if people like me. I’m nervous about my play. My mind just won’t stop and I’m just thinking about all kinds of stuff and I don’t like it.”

In that instant my frustration was swept away.

In that instant I saw myself in her blue eyes.

In that instant I was reminded that she wasn’t a little girl with little girl fears, she was growing into a woman with real emotions and hormones and insecurities and fears.