I am standing at my back patio. It’s a windy night. The strong, cool breeze pushes against me as I breathe it in. The night is bright, a full moon is directly above me as scattered clouds hasten across the sky.For months I have been in a funk.Engulfed in a myriad of fear and doubt, insecurities and uncertainties.I’ve been bogged down by the noise and every time I have desired to rise, life manages to sucker punch me. Oh nothing out of the ordinary is occurring in our lives...from the outside in we are happy and healthy and fine.Yet, in the past few weeks I have been made aware of the fact that I have been wasting away. This crankiness, sour disposition and even bitterness has crept into my soul and has even plagued my relationships, my desires and mostly my faith.What’s going on? Nothing.Yet, you know how people say that attitude is everything...well, maybe they are onto something.As I stand out in the cool night I realize all of this life…it’s a gift.

I’ve put aside this blog for a few months because, to be honest, I had nothing to say.I felt a little overwhelmed, a little insecure and well, I was totally flailing. I hadn't heard much from God and really, I wasn't listening. I was too busy. Too tired. Too undone.Plus, there has been so much noise. Unfiltered sounding gongs. I honestly haven't wanted to contribute to the noise. I haven't wanted to use my voice or words and I fell into believing the lie that more words were useless and they didn't matter. Who wants to hear about my little struggles or lessons or motherhood fails or desires? The world has been on fire in every aspect and so what difference does my life make in any of these things.And so I have been quiet.

There was never a question in my mind of you not staying the course.I know things were not always easy or perfect or certain. I know your relationship has walked through pain and heartache, rejection and fear. Yet, here you are standing stronger today than ever before.While I was growing up I got to watch you both grow up together. And being the observant, introspective child that I was (mostly I was nosy) I actually got to see into the heart of your marriage.

I’ve had a troubling sort of day. I watch the news come on my facebook feed and it’s disturbing. I read stories of loss and tragedy and terror and my heart breaks in pieces. Murder, violence, terror, troubles, tears, sorrow, brokenness.SO much brokenness.Another shooting has occurred. Another act of hate. Another terrorist attack.Then a child is lost. Disaster. Dreams Shattered.Blood Shed for nothing.People pointing fingers, blame spat out like a lashing of bullets missing a target, yet wounding so many.Fear rises.

A few weeks ago I co-hosted the IF: Gathering at our local IF: Richmond/Katy. This is our second year to host an IF: Local and God has overwhelmed us both times...but for me, this time, was different.As we have prepared and planned, I can honestly say that I wasn't super excited. I had moments of excitement, but I knew the work that lay ahead and I knew it was going to be hard and take much effort and time. I was working outside of my strengths and though I had a God inspired team, I was uncertain of how to lead well and keep it all together. The weeks before IF, I was weary. I had shared, prayed, sent and answered so many texts and emails and questions that weariness was flooding over me.Obedience was at stake. God had placed us and purposed us and called us to this and I had to walk in His ways. When God calls you to something you really don't have a choice. You either obey or you don't. I believe in God and I believe and trust Him so not obeying isn't an option, no matter how difficult following God is. I knew well enough that God would bring me through the tired.

I may not have an answer. All I have is what I know to be true. I know my family was changed because of the love shown to refugees by the Church. I know people more than anything desire to be free. I know people desire to be safe. I know people desire to be loved.Maybe instead of talking, arguing or giving lots of opinions, why don’t we take this opportunity and really be the hands and feet of Jesus.Imagine what the church could do if we put aside our talk of this crisis and instead we moved on behalf of this crisis.

Here’s where I’m at…many long, deep conversations with like minded friends usually begin with that statement.I’ve sat in small group, bible studies, Starbucks and across tables listening and sharing where God has me, what He has placed in my heart, my fears, my passions, where I am stuck and what I am trying to get my mind around.As believers we should be constantly going deeper, seeking righteousness, being made daily more and more like His image. There are definite seasons of life that are difficult, stormy, some are dry and others are joy filled. We should take time to share with each other “where we are at” in our walk and the seasons He has placed us in so that we can encourage and pray for each other.

I sat at a conference unaware that I was about to be broken.I was pulled to go and pray with someone.I watched as others walked over for prayer. I knew I needed to get up, but I was scared.What was I going to say?I wasn’t even sure what I needed prayer for, but I needed something.I needed to be filled.To be emptied.To breathe.I needed restoration.