Repentance begins in me.Those words have struck a chord in my heart for months now. I have chewed on them, cried out over them, searched and asked and wept.The things of this world, the ugliness and sin have left me broken and longing for Heaven. I couldn’t bear another worldly justification for sin, I couldn’t hear more hate filled words and lashings, I couldn’t watch one more abortion video.And then more…

My blogging break has come to an end and I’m excited to be back!I am refreshed and ready to put some words on the screen.This break was a bit unexpected, but I am glad it worked out well. Honestly, during this summer I found myself sad and my spirit heavy. There was and still is so much going on in this world that is very troublesome. Wars are being fought on every corner of the globe both physically and spiritually. My last post was a cry of my heart and I simply said all I could. I had to just take time to sit and pray and be still. Writing about life, motherhood and living out your callings seemed small amidst the chaos of this world.So I took a break. Cleared my head. Engaged in my other passions – Summertime and reading!

I had a post ready to write about Father’s day today. After the Charleston shooting my head isn’t in it.I’m heartbroken.I’m fearful.My heart is so heavy.I’m weary.My children are playing in the neighborhood pool while my son is at swim practice. They are so innocent. So fun. So full of joy and laughter.Other mothers are nearby laughing and sharing stories. I sit at a nearby table under an umbrella and tears pour down my face hidden by my oversize sunglasses. I wipe my tears away quickly, but I don’t care if anyone sees me crying. My heart is overwhelmed and the only release is through tears.

Summertime is finally upon us! Sunshine and long, lazy days. Poolside and snow cones, day trips and vacates! I LOVE Summer!Despite all the fun I plan to make Summer memorable and enjoyable for my little tribe, there are always those days where I hear 3 little words that drive my bonkers…”Mom, I’m bored.”I’m gonna be honest, my kids aren’t really allowed to utter those words.They know their momma does not take kindly to such words and will usually find a chore for whoever says them. Seriously ya’ll, it’s inexcusable. In this day and age boredom should not exist. Screen entertainment alone should take care of all boredom, not to mention books, pools, trampolines, play equipment and toys that litter every room.I am all about making summer memorable. We craft and play and I have board on pinterest with all kinds of summer fun. We go on adventures and vacations and day outings, but there are many days where we stay home and relax and enjoy being home. Unfortunately, I find that many of us moms can easily lose our balance when it comes to summer fun and instead of enjoying the long, lazy days, we fall into becoming cruise directors! We have this idea that we must fill in every hour of the day for our kids so that they enjoy their summer break and we run around crazy with our clip boards of activities filling every moment with things to do.

I am laying in bed next to my husband playing a game on my son's ipad. I could be doing 500 other things, but this is what I have chosen to do.I haven't written on this blog in over two weeks. I haven't written much of anything in over 2 weeks. Just some blurbs here and there that haven't evolved into anything worth saying mostly because I am so very tired and worn out. Seriously WORN OUT.For the past few weeks my husband has been sick. And it has taken it's toll on me mentally and physically.And I'm lonely.And I'm sad he is hurting so much.And I am tired.We put the kids to bed and he has just enough energy to do his routine and I come down and he is in bed, tired from the days work and the pain from the illness he is recovering from and he quickly falls asleep.I've spent my day playing with the kids, going on nature walks, planning our summer vacation, reading poetry, making meals and cleaning up.All of my energy has gone into being mom today. In the evening when my husband came home, honestly, I was annoyed with him. Annoyed before he even walked in the door. Not because he has done anything wrong, simply because I'm tired and overwhelmed and I have no one else to blame but either him or myself and I choose him.When those I love are sick or battling trials and hard times I get vulnerable. I get scared.

This year has been filled with an outpouring of God’s love on my life in ways I hadn't imagined or expected.He called me to step out of the boat and in many ways and in my obedience I have seen life flourish in my faith, my walk and in my daily life.These last few months I have been doing a lot of reflection over what was spoken to me during and after IF: Gathering. The Lord impressed upon me shortly after If that I needed to “get my house in order.” I’ll be honest, as soon as I felt those words in my spirit I immediately thought, “Oh my goodness, I’m going to die!”Yeah, I went there! Forget about trusting God and believing I am safe and well covered by God.After I finally got a hold of my imagination and started casting it out, I realized that God is preparing me for life, not death!Life abundant.

When God calls you out of the boat, you put your foot in the water and you walk.Why do you doubt?Why do I doubt?A few weeks ago I stepped out of the boat. I said yes to a desire…a dream.I knew the Lord was calling me and I had to follow.And it scared me. It scares me still.I’m not sure what scares me. The unknown, of course. The thought of failing…absolutely. The thought of succeeding…that too. The expectations? The work?The risk.

I’m spending a beautiful weekend on a beach in Florida. It’s chilly, for a cold front just came into the sunshine state, but even still, nothing beats the beach.I can hear the waves hit the shore and I see people waking on the sand. The water sparkles like chrystal and it’s blue waters goes beyond the eye can see into the horizon.I wonder, as I sit in the quiet of my room. My mind wanders and I wonder.All perspective is in my heart and minds eye. The beauty of life is striking and in the calm of the sea I can survey my life, past, present and future and I can wonder and know and believe.The Word teaches us the way we are to live, the truths we are to pursue, All we must stay away from and all we must seek and find.In the quiet reflections of this moment, I want to live for the right now. The moments of daily life; yes, even the monotonous and mundane, because after all this life that has come before, I have learned that the monotonous and mundane life is where grace is found. The quiet, daily living is where I come to serve and where I lose myself and become more like my Savior.

Isis.Beheadings.Storms.Fear.Martyrs.Slavery.Broken.Weary.Lies.Death.Steal.Kill.Destroy.I’ve always liked flying.Until recently.Because fear and lack of faith and because I like to be safe.Yeah, I know I can’t control anything of this life and a car accident or a trip over a misplaced rock can bring life to a halt, but I don’t think about that daily. I can’t.I like to be safe.And perhaps flying above the ground in a man made bird doesn’t seem safe right now.